There are far too numerous erroneous and misrepresentative reports in the Western media about China, its people and contemporary cultural underpinnings. But, this week’s Sundance premiere of The Dating Game by Violet Du Feng is refreshing and razor-sharp for how it informs a realistic perspective about today’s Chinese society, from the vantage of courtship in an era of WeChat, social media apps and dating sites.
The Dating Game is a highly relatable documentary in the East and West, as Du Feng takes viewers through the experiences of three men so desperate to find romance that they turn to the services of a dating coach. While she delivers on the premise of the subject’s anticipated whimsical and light-hearted nature, Du Feng also shows viewers the historical reasons, as well as the economic and sociopolitical causes underlying the move from traditional matchmaking to a gamelike dynamic where ’strategic deception,’ as one coach teaches his clients, is the key to connecting with a partner who is willing to go from chatting online to dating and maybe a longer term relationship.
Early in the film, viewers learn that China’s one child policy resulted in the numbers of eligible single men outnumbering similarly available women by at least 30 million. Meanwhile, many of these eligible bachelors, especially those from poor, rural areas, are socially awkward and lost about how to connect in ways that spark something more than temporary. Many of them were born in the same generation when China’s great migration from rural provinces to urban centers occurred. Many of their parents went to cities for jobs and left their children with grandparents, who were not equipped to guide their young charges with the knowledge they would need as they came of age.
Du Feng introduces us to Hao, a widely sought dating coach, who lives and works in Chongqing, a metropolitan area the size of Austria, with a population of more than 30 million. Hao has a confident swagger and the evidence of his credentials is his wife, Wen, a well-educated, attractive, fashionable woman with urban roots. She also is a dating coach but her method differs from that of Hao, whom we later learn came from a rural area just like many of his clients. A large majority of the 3,000 clients Hao has had come from poorer rural areas, including the three men whose stories are tracked in the documentary: Zhou (36), Li (24) and Wu (27).
Throughout the seven-day camp, Hao tries to build confidence in his clients, by emphasizing the value of ‘strategic deception.’ He encourages the men, who see themselves as ordinary with limited means and cultural interests, to puff up and magnify details about their background, to sustain and nurture any initial interest that might be sparked with a woman. He takes them shopping for colorful and stylish clothes, along with haircuts. The dating camp is a costly investment for these men, who are paying twice their entire monthly income of $600. That signifies just how desperate these men have become.
In an interview with The Utah Review, Du Feng thought about the premise for The Dating Game after completing Hidden Letters, a documentary about two women in modern China who connected anew to their feminist sensibilities by learning Nüshu, a coded secret language that women once used to share stories and support each other during times of patriarchal suppression. “While I was touring with the film, I wondered about stories of men in China that would challenge the stereotypes, perceptions and biases,” she explained, ”and to help understand men’s perspectives and to close the gender divide across the aisle.”
She became fascinated with the popularity of dating coaches overtaking traditional matchmakers. “I also saw it as a unique opportunity to learn more about the psychological, personal and cultural impacts of the one-child policy,” Du Feng added. The policy was implemented in 1979, and then eased in 2016 and 2021, as China’s population demographics became widely skewed and unbalanced. As seen in the film, the Chinese government, aware of the millions of bachelors who cannot find partners, now sponsors public matchmaking events. Incidentally, there also is Single’s Day, China’s version of the American Black Friday sales events, which takes place online.
Even with Hao’s enthusiastic push to boost their confidence, all three clients remained confounded by the idea that finding a genuine connection to a partner could be made easier by constructing a digital identity that is not as authentic as they believe it should be. And, as much as they recognized that their loneliness and sense of isolation might be eased by climbing the ladder of economic mobility, they felt out of sorts in an urban setting as large as Chongqing. And, with China’s recent economic downturns, many young single men see their best hopes of ensuring their chances of economic advancement might involve joining the military.
A particularly edifying scene occurs when Hao and Wen are arguing about the merits of Hao’s ‘strategic deception’ approach. Wen is persuasive, warning her husband that perpetuating a myth of consumerism or material wealth and interests is not effective, if one cannot even get a date. For instance, when one of her own clients describes what she would like to find in a man, including an income of least $1,500 per month, Wen tells her that is an unrealistic expectation. Wen suggests that a person’s greatest value still comes from what is inside them. A fascinating sidebar is the widespread popularity of virtual reality apps where users communicate with an artificial version of their perfect partner, a service used by 10 million Chinese. Despite Hao’s earnest efforts to instill confidence in his three clients, the men continued to struggle. The oldest of the three featured in the film, Zhou, most notably, was ready to leave Chongqing and return home. As for Hao and Wen, the film’s coda answers the relevant question.
Entertaining, stylish and snappy in the best possible blend, The Dating Game gives viewers an engrossing, well-informed and wisely balanced look into contemporary China society. For festival tickets and more information, see the Sundance website.